Fred

Let me tll you about, Fred, lloyla and vomplaining, a boon in a crisis, firm and independent. We have been toger only a few months. 

i  am thinking pf customising Fred by drawing a few ppubic hsird around the orifice9 Picasso dtyle , thrn ftivking dome real ones on and thrn creating z tp of the ranfe model by adding 3 pirces of rubbery plastiv catering  its other role, why dont mrn hsve 3 prnises//////.Ideal fo double penitrstion.

Brought up at Eton?

 I was dragged up kicking footballs on a bomb-site

Never destined for Oxbridge blue

But I once had a girlfriend 

Who'd kissed the cox of the boat race crew

Ch: You may think I was brought up at Eton

Silver spoon in a golden cup

But you're surely mistaken

I was eaten first and then brought up

Tara Courouther- Smythe got pregnant

Lord Fontenoy-Farquer had his way

Cost her father a fortune

On the double-barrel shotgun wedding day.

Ch: You may think I was brought up at Eton

Silver spoon in a golden cup

But you're surely mistaken

I was eaten first and then brought up

I got no time for aristocracy

Brighton's the only pier don't make me sick

Everyone of them is a Lombard

Loads of money but a right dick.

Ch: You may think I was brought up at Eton

Silver spoon in a golden cup

But you're surely mistaken

I was eaten first and then brought up

Give it to me Straight Now!

 Been doing Wrong?

Well, you been out there on your own

While I been waiting by the phone

Must think I'm stupid, must think I'm dumb

That you been spending so much time with your lovely mum

Ch: Tell me baby What's going on

Give it to me straight now, You been having fun? 

you're talking with a twist

Firmly on the missing list

something's happening I can tell

Come in all hours with a funny small

Your excuses and alibis

Just about substancial as McDonalds fries

Just about as honest as Pinnochio.

 Past her sell-by Date

She weren't that young anymore

When her old man walked out the door

Time for her had come too late

She was past her sell-by date

This old bird once finger licking

now no longer a spring chicken

Life for her was but a sham

she was mutton dressed as spam

Josef Hostel Blues

 Josef Hostel Blues

À middle-aged man wore a silly hat

Thought he looked cool but he looked a right twat

His pony tail hung down his back

And common sense was what he lacked

Chibby was a man only half brained

The hostel leaked every time it rained

The windows rattled when the north wind blew

Guests were locked out when they missed curfew

I'm stoney broke, born to lose

I got the Josef Hostel blues

The hostel staff were a really weird bunch

Everyone of them out to lunch

For every time they make a mistake

He, from their wages, 11 sheckels takes

All day hot showers we're told

But the water was always ice cold

He had dog by the name of ''Stuff."

He even put his missus up the duff.

 You're the Cure

Well my chin's upon the ground

I've forgotten how to smile

You're the only cure

Please stay with me for a while

Ch:

I know you don't love me

Well that's your right

Darling you got the key

Come love me tonight.

You'll never know

Exactly how I feel

Knowing I'm not the one 

To melt that heart of steel

So what if you've been untrue

I'll push that to one side

It would never work 

Sweated blood every time I tried.

Batted for the other side

Batted for the other side

I was so confused when you batted for the other side

Strange mixed up feelings, emotions I couldn't hide

Never clipped your wings, you plaed home and away

Hit me like a bombshell when you said you weren't going to stay

Ch:

Looked in the mirror saw you drift away

Thought I was dreaming, saw it yesterday anyway

Always pressured you into to trying something new

Chains and buzzing things, films every shade of blue

Bought you lingerie, uniforms of ever kind

Bent you over backwards, exploring parts of your mind

Indulging fantasies, lifts and the back of your car

Didn't realise we took things a bit too far

But I've got what you need, I'll know you'll be back again

Even take the Polaroids like I did that time in Spain

Death of you

Death of You Gdcd, gdgdgdcd

Thinks she'll be somebody

Thinks she'll go real far

But she won't wanna know you

When she becomes a star

Long blond hair, eyes of blue

She's gonna be the death of you

She's got delusions of grandeur

Thinks she's Princess Di

But she won't speak to you

When she makes it high

She's pretty and she knows it

Tongues out, lots of drool

But when she drives Mercedes

She gonna treat you cool

She's always been that way

No different as she gets older

But when she gets up there

You'll get the cold shoulder

M8:

Lots of style, heart of stone

She's gonna leave you on your own

Smile

Smile

She knocks out me with her smile

Goes on and on for miles and miles

Won't ever go out of style

As she lights up the world with her smile

Never seen her when she's down

Don't know how to wear a frown

Happiest person in this town

As she lights up the world with her smile

Never ever heard her pine

A summer's day when the weather's fine

Glows more than the sunshine

As she lights up the world with her smile

I've never seen her being blue

Her goodness shines through and through

If she can do it why can't you

As she lights up the world with her smile

Kiss me softly

Kiss me softly before you go

Wake up darling it's our last day

Fleeting moments passing away

Kiss me softly before you go

Kiss me softly before you go

Come on now it's getting late

So near the time we're gonna hate

Kiss me softly before you go

Kiss me softly before you go

What am I gonna do

I'm so in love with you

Life is so unfair

What am I gonna do when you're not there

Promise me that you will phone

Can't stand the seconds I'll be on my own

Kiss me softly before you go

Kiss me softly before you go

It hurts so much I can't cry

Hold me close look in my eye

So for too long it's our last kiss

I'll always remember you just like this

Smelly town

Smelly town

I live in a smelly town

People live 2 up 2 down

The factory smells for miles around

Dirty rotten stinky smelly old town

The factory makes machines

That make machines that make machines

Everyone works there or so it seems

Dirty rotten stinky smelly old town

The clouds are full of acid rain

Rots away your window pain

Why don't we just start again

Dirty rotten stinky smelly old town

The river's muddy and it stinks

More chemicals in it than you think

Walk on water, you don't sink

Dirty rotten stinky smelly old town

The sunset has a purple hue

The chimney pump out all the spew

I knew a tree thet never grew

Dirty rotten stinky smelly old town

Put my love to the test

Put my love to the test

On my case right from the start

Took my soul, tore it apart

Smashed away my bleeding heart

But I wanna make a new start

chorus:

Put my love to the test

I'll prove that I am the best

Better than all the rest

Put my love to the test

You never took me on trust

Relationship had to bust

You made it all a must

Had lose my very crust

Can't we just try again

Put away all the pain

Find a love that's not insane

Use your heart not your brain

Mid 8:

Nothing was easy

Always a war

I did everything you asked

Then you found some more

One Star Hotel

Everybody's rushing round, busy spending money

They got no time for fun like the bees making honey

But when I look at them I think they're really funny

But one thing in life is as clear as a bell

Jesus was born in a one star hotel.

They have to speed around, gonna win the rat race

Living their little lives at such break-neck pace

They don't care their morals have slipped far from grace

But one thing in life is as clear as a bell

Jesus was born in a one star hotel.

They want a pot of gold and slave to build it high

They cut and bleed the world and hang it out to dry

But we're all gonna look the same when it's our turn to die

But one thing in life is as clear as a bell

Jesus was born in a one star hotel.

My brother died recently, but left us with great humour.
He spent his last few weeks in a hospice and he was not allowed to smoke.
We were outside and he said to me, "Smoking's bad for you, you know?"
"I know."
"Gives you cancer."
Even in his last stages he maintained his spirit.

If anyone is interested in listening to the music of my late brother, Dan Mercer, follow the link:
http://jmk7.podomatic.com/

Bruno the brown nosed reindeer

With all this talk about Rudolph it is easy to forget Bruno. He is number 2 in Santa's sleigh. He can run as fast as Rudolph but cannot stop as quick.

Mistletoe does not work

For the last 30 years I have put mistletoe in my belt buckle without success, not even a peck.

Xmas con

A few years ago a garden centre advertised Xmas trees that were non-drop and the wind blew them over. What a con!

Xmas stockings

Did I ever tell you about the woman who wrote 'Xmas' on one stocking and 'New Year' on the other so she could invite friends up between the holidays?

Xmas is so commercial

In the UK a lot of people will be heard to say, "Ooh Christmas, it's so commercial. Not like in the old days." Well, who makes it commercial? Not me!
Then afterwards, if you ask someone what is what like, the answer is invariably, "Quiet."
What is the point rushing around, spending loads of money on 2 quiet days?